Part 2: Chapter 9 – Marital Tensions Return

June has been a busy month. Not only has the Kundalini been raging, visiting pretty consistently all month, but there have been other events all pointing to an upcoming shift in my life.

Kundalini

Rather than go into all the specific experiences I will just summarize how the Kundalini is working this time around. The sensations are primarily in the lower four chakras with the majority being in the first and second and creating explosive, orgasmic experiences. Sometimes the experiences leave me breathless and other times they are physically painful with the latter being more typical. It is rare that I feel physical pain from the Kundalini but it can and does happen at times. Each painful experience was also pleasurable to a lesser degree, which helped but often my entire lower abdomen would be achy for the day after.

I continue my daily yoga practice despite my active Kundalini. I have read that it is advised to stop yoga and meditation when the Kundalini is active but honestly I don’t think that is necessary, at least not in my situation. If the Kundalini gets out of control, meaning visiting me during my waking hours and creating physical symptoms that are difficult to manage then I will cut down on yoga and meditation.

My intuition says to keep practicing yoga daily and to continue working toward balancing my body, mind and spirit. So, I continue and am finding my body is adjusting, balancing out and becoming more limber. Not surprisingly, most of my imbalance stems from tight psoas (hip flexor) and piriformis muscles. The tightness then causes imbalances along my posterior chain – lower back, shoulders, hamstrings, calves. My left side is tighter than my right, also. At times I wonder how I am not in pain all the times with all this tightness and tension I carry around with me!

There was one incidence of Kundalini where I experienced the calming, peaceful bliss of Divine love. When I woke I was so upset about losing the feeling that I grieved for a week, maybe more. When I experience this feeling I believe I make contact with my Divine state – my true state of being and the way we all are/feel when we are not in this physical universe and in this illusory experience. It Oneness, not-aloneness, friendship, connection, peace, flowing, infinite love, timelessness, understanding, clarity, etc.

That incident of bliss also returned me to missing Ray. It took me a couple of weeks to get past the longing and back to my solidity in this life, body and physical identity. As a result I was able to restabilize in the recognition that I must build myself up, recapture my independence and forge my own path.

There were two other incidents that I am not quite sure were Kundalini but will categorize as such for lack of anything better. During these incidents it felt like my energy body was being tried on by another like clothing. I felt to be ripped apart without fully being divided into two parts and felt my energy body to be occupied by another. It was almost brutal, like a savage attack on my energy body, except there was no pain and it felt to be part of an adjustment. Upon waking most of the memory of these two incidents were lost and only vague flashes remained along with an unsettled feeling.

Messages, Signs and Syncs

While struggling with the above complications there were also messages from my guidance and partner in Spirit all pointing to attending a yoga workshop in Atlanta this Fall. Along with this came a sense that I may need to be in that general area for a much longer period of time than just one weekend. Perhaps a permanent move? I am unsure exactly but I have been having dreams of the individuals I once met in Tennessee when I have not even communicated much with them since 2016. Additionally, there are almost constant references to Atlanta – the name popping up almost daily! Then my guidance comes right out and tells me, “It’s time to leave”. There are other smaller messages here and there as well like eggshells (rebirth), animal messengers (frog and squirrel), and randomly finding money (twice this week!).

At first I was struggling against the messages and intuition I was having. The feeling was that I need to leave my family and marriage and relocate to the general area of Tennessee. Of course, the struggle came from my Ego assuming the messages and accompanying feelings meant “NOW” and so, understandably, there was some freaking out. But now I recognize that these messages are memories ignited within by certain aspects of my life trajectory (timeline) coming into view (trigger events). It would be like driving along a highway and seeing that your destination is an hour drive away when previously the signs indicated days of travel.

Marital Tensions Return

Two days ago my husband and I had a blow-up in front of our children. I woke up hearing the children crying and yelling in protest about my husband removing all computer keyboards so they could not go online. When I came downstairs I asked my husband about this. He told me that he wanted them to have a no-computer day. We had discussed him enforcing his decision on the kids like this previously and had come to the agreement (or so I thought) that he would not do this anymore because of the upset it caused all of us. He regularly turns off the electricity to stop the wi-fi, takes keyboards, hides smaller devices (Kindle, DS), hides television remotes, etc. He does all this without first discussing it with me. His actions prevent me from using the internet, computer and TV as well.

This issue repeats so often that I stood there thinking, “I can’t take this anymore.” There was a realization that my husband is never going to change. That he does this particular thing over and over to enforce control because he doesn’t feel he has any. There is no rationality to it. There is no consideration of others. And this particular issue is just one of many others that repeat, over and over and over.

I didn’t think before I spoke and blurted out, “I’m done. We’re getting a divorce. The kids can live with me and we can handle the computers on our own.”

The kids heard this but then they already know we are struggling. They overhear so many arguments and can feel the tension between us on a daily basis. I know it’s no excuse. I should have kept my mouth shut.

My husband became enraged and came up to me and grabbed both my arms and said, “Come here.” He then attempted to pull me out of the kitchen. His hands were hurting my arms so I resisted and pulled away. He just grabbed on tighter and continued to pull me against my will toward the door. The kids saw this and ran upstairs.

This went on for a while, him grabbing me, hurting me and me eventually pulling out of his grasp but not without lovely rub burns on my forearms. I tried to kick him in the crotch a couple of times but missed. I really am not match for his size and strength.

At one point I sat on the couch and hoped he would leave me alone but he persisted, grabbing my arms again and yanking me toward him. At one point he began to swing at my face but then pulled back. I told him, “Go ahead and hit me.” He backed off, realizing he was out of control.

Interestingly, I was not afraid of him at all but I did want to get away and out of his energy. So when he was about to hit me I wasn’t afraid or concerned. I had already made up my mind that I needed to leave as soon as possible. Nothing he did would change my mind. It was obvious that us staying together would be detrimental to us all, especially our children.

Up until then he had never physically hurt me. He has grabbed me before but not like that. My forearms were red and hurt like I had rug burns on them for over an hour after. When I mentioned he had hurt me he said, “You hurt me, too!” Then pulled up his pant leg to show me the damage but I saw none. He told me, “You are physically and emotionally abusive and I have proof.” I was thinking, “Whaaaat?” He was completely out of his mind.

I went upstairs to get away from him but he followed, locked the bedroom door and sat down on the floor next to it. We talked for over an hour after that. I told him that I did not want to live with him anymore. He said he didn’t care. We discussed divorce (again) and he was apathetic about the prospect of it all, understandably. I told him the only solution for divorce was for me to move to a state that is not a community property state, get residency and then file for divorce from that state. He seemed okay with this. I told him I needed help finding work in another state (Tennessee specifically since it is not a community property state).

Ultimately our conversation ended with little resolution. There was agreement to finish the conversation but he has since avoided it. I continue to ask him for help in getting work in another state. I prefer to relocate with a job waiting for me and he knows so many people and has family in the area. He sent me a text yesterday suggesting I work at the same company as him. This indicates he is not willing for me to leave this state much less our home!

I can’t figure out why he wants me to stay so bad. Is the prospect of being single that’s scary to him? Or is it the idea of having to handle all of my jobs (finance, shopping, food preparation, scheduling, appointments, etc)? Or does he just not want to admit failure?

Sadly, despite my strong feeling that I need to exit this situation and relationship there is the stronger feeling that the time is not right yet. It is exasperating but so strong I cannot deny it. I don’t understand the “why” of it but then I am sure there is one only I am not meant to know it yet. I can try to figure it out, run through scenarios in my mind, but nothing feels right and it is a waste of my time. My best guess is that the lesson is not finished and there is something my husband needs to learn (and maybe me, too?) still. I have to trust that and let it be.

 

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