Since my last post things have settled down a bit. My husband did find me a job, but it was not out of state like I wanted. Instead, he found me a position at his place of employment as a payroll assistant. It took a while to materialize, though, because of some back and forth between him and his boss about my pay rate. I, however, was never much concerned about any of it. I was uncertain as to whether I even wanted to work there so I put it in the hands of the Universe, asking that the situation culminate in something that benefited all involved.
I have now been working as a payroll assistant for two weeks. The pay rate is lower than I would like but it is enough. The situation is one that benefits everyone involved. My husband gets to work with me, gets more time with me (we commute together as well) and gets to have me involved in an area of his life that is very important to him. The last one is the most important because my being there, working with him, validates him.
Additionally, the woman I was hired to help has stage 4 lung cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. My job is to learn as much about her job as I can so that when she is out I can step in and handle some of the tasks (eventually all of them). She has expressed her gratitude to me daily, so I know my being there reduces her worry. She is very old (late 60’s) and the cancer has caused her to lose quite a bit of weight. Some days she is good and others I can tell she is barely holding on. Her job is pretty much all that keeps her going but I have peaked at her aura and can tell she is much worse than she is letting on. I pray she hangs on and that this cancer does not win.
Finally, for me the job is helping handle my worry over finances. Previously, I had sworn not to assist my husband in paying off his debts because they were his and he created many of them without consulting with me. However, I realized that no matter how things turn out, the debt is there and needs handling regardless. I can help or I can hinder. I choose to help. Plus, it makes me feel better to be at cause instead of constantly blaming him. Putting the issue in his hands alone was obviously not resolving the problem!
There is also the feeling of being needed/appreciated that has improved my overall sense of well-being. The people at work enjoy my presence and there is no pressure. I can wear whatever I want (within reason) and no one is looking over my shoulder. I rarely have to interact with anyone – there are no phone calls and there is no reason to interact with customers/public. My husband is technically my boss so that makes things easy rather than complicated. I can tell him my concerns and needs and not feel intimidated or nervous, which has often been the case with my previous supervisors. So job stress is 0. It is an amazing feeling.
My daughter has also reaped the benefits of this change. She is helping to watch her brothers and has gained a sense of responsibility she didn’t have before. Not only is she regularly cleaning dishes, making food and tending to other routine housekeeping duties, but she is often doing so without being asked to. She is doing so well that she earned herself a Smartphone and many kudos. I am so proud of her!
Similarly, my daughter has grown more interested in spending “quality” time with me. She has been asking to participate in my evening runs and often daily workouts. So far she has gone on two runs and done two weight training workouts with me. She just continues to impress me.
So, as you can see, the universe provided what I asked. I just had to be willing to surrender to it and have faith that what it provided was for the best.
Overall, my marriage has been better since I started working. This I am sure is due to the fact that my husband and I spend so much more time together without constant interruption by our children. He talks much more than I do, though.
Since I began working we have also decided to refinance our home. We only moved in 4 years ago but our home value sky-rocketed since then allowing us to have enough equity to do a cash-out refinance and keep the same mortgage payment. The refinance was my husband’s idea, which surprised me because he previously seemed unwilling to take action in such a way. Once we close, we can use the money toward paying down debt. The decrease in debt means my additional pay can go to paying down other debt and go into savings. Savings? What’s that? Oh yeah, now I remember…..
As things begin to look up and I grow more content with my life, the message roll in suggesting that another heart connection is on the horizon. The message thus far has been that I will meet someone significantly younger than me (9 years) and the meeting will spark a similar heart connection as what I had with Ray. But this time it is will be an in-person meeting, not online.
Ultimately, I have decided not to do anything to encourage a relationship or even friendship with this man after we meet. I even told my husband of my dreams and what I thought they meant so that he knows and will not explode when/if the situation arises. He accepted the dream info well and does not seem concerned (yet). Interestingly, my husband told me he read my last post on this blog when I accidentally left my computer unlocked. He was not upset by it at all. So maybe he is maturing? Still, I won’t be leaving my computer unlocked again!
Sadly, the outcome of another heart connection cannot be anything but bad, at least from my own experience. No matter how I try to buffer the blow, it will hurt this guy (and me) to withdraw from the connection. I learned from Ray that trying to be “nice” and exploring the connection despite knowing the implication of such exploration is not the right path. I will not lead this man on if I can help it. And I can help it.
Other dreams indicate my older sister will be going through some upheaval. When? IDK but the dreams suggest a rough time. This in turn will create a rough time for my mom as my sister often relies on my mom to bail her out. My mom being the enabler she is, gets hurt every time. I am not looking forward to more family drama caused by my sister.
Overall, I am feeling more positive about life and my relationship with my husband. Things are still not ideal by any means but at least bearable and often enjoyable now.