Part 2: Chapter 12 – A Lesson in the End

Just two days after my last post, the individual I mentioned in it emailed me to tell me he felt it best that we stop communicating. Honestly, I was expecting something of the sort, just not so quickly.

Not long ago, just over a week after our last email communication, it became clear to me that our telepathic link had not been severed. I don’t know if it was intentional on his part or not. It could very well have been that his HS was doing it all on his own. I honestly don’t know, but it was obvious to me who I was communicating with.

This is what I wrote in my private journal on September 4th:

I have been thinking of (we’ll just call him S) and having sudden telepathic connections with him. This has been happening on and off since we last emailed and he stated that he needed to distance himself from me. In fact, all weekend I was thinking of him. Once when I was watching Anne with an E, an episode about love and all the many ways it manifests, I felt questioned about my considerations about age. I recognized one reason I put age high on my list is because if my partner is much older then they are likely to die and leave me behind. I began to cry when I thought of this, too, meaning there is truth to this fear for me.

Anyway, it began on a car ride to the Lake. It was my idea to go because my husband and I will be running a trail race there at the end of the month and needed to scope it out.

As we drove I suddenly began to think of S and miss him and our connection. There is something there between us that is very big and it scares me a bit, but I’m not sure why. Maybe because I fear that I will want to up and leave my life to be with him? Anyway, as we drove, the music seemed to support my thoughts. For example, after I was thinking I needed more time, the song, “I Will Wait for You” came on.

Later, at bedtime I felt him near and was asked if I would reconsider some things we had discussed. I hesitated and then said yes. When I did this it seemed to open up our connection again and his energy met with mine. It was mostly heart centered this time and so beautiful.

I was instantly pulled into the in-between where we stood facing each other. We never touched but the energy was very intense between us and my entire body felt overcome by it. It was not sexual, though there was some sexual feel to it. Instead it just felt blissful but not at it’s full potential yet. I could sense there was more there that would build if I allowed it.

He asked me to follow him and I did. He sat down cross-legged in a circle that was drawn in white chalk on the ground. I knew to sit across from him cross-legged. Our knees were barely touching and both of us were naked. He drew something on his forehead with his finger. I don’t know if there was paint on his finger but I saw a line drawn vertically between his eyes. He then leaned over and drew the same line between my eyes.

I don’t recall much after this except feeling deliriously drunk on bliss. In fact, I was so relaxed and at ease with our combined energy that I must have drifted into the in-between for some time. We were talking throughout most of this but I only remember feeling completely in tune with him. Our energies matched so well and it seemed as if we were reacquainting ourselves with one another.

Then I remember hearing him say to me that he wanted to see me. I think he said, “Let me see you” but all I really remember is the word “see”. It wasn’t the words that brought me out of my reverie though, but the sensations of a force entering between my shoulder blades. I could feel his energy come inside and enter my heart space. It felt focused and was around the size of a closed fist in diameter. From within this space my own energy met his and we swirled around as if dancing. Then we, both our energies dancing and swirling together, rose upward through my throat and into my head. When at my third-eye and right when I heard the word “see”, I felt as if I was no longer myself, like someone else took over, but I know this is not true. It was more that I released myself into the care of this new me – US. My eyes felt to be forced open and in front of me was nothingness; a blank, deep blue (indigo?) expanse. In the distance was a blinding white light, just far enough away to notice but not within reach yet.

Wide awake now, the energy retreated and I was left shocked, eyes wide open, looking at my bedroom and wondering what had just happened. The sensation of this was so new to me, so overwhelmingly beautiful and powerful that I needed time to recover. How could I be so BIG? How could this even be happening? How was it even possible? And what does it mean? What will happen when that energy – the energy of US – exits through my crown? What will I become? Will I cease to be? It seemed like it. In fact, when my eyes opened seemingly outside of my own control, it felt as if I was transformed and not in a bad way, just a different way.

There was conversation throughout all this but I don’t recall specifics now. I just remember feeling fully trusting of him. My solar plexus felt odd, as if it was stretching, and the odd energy just sat below my ribcage. I realized it was my anticipation and apprehension of what was coming. Fear of the unknown. Resistance to losing myself; losing control.

Somehow I fell back to sleep, which is unheard of for me, but the energy of Us was so beautiful that I know it was why I drifted off. There is nothing like it.

Dream: Blind Date

I entered into a dream where I was with a girlfriend preparing to go to dinner at a place where men and woman came to connect. It wasn’t a dating scene but more like an exchange place, like exchanging information but with the intent to connect. It seemed like my friend had set me up on a blind date but I am not sure. The feeling was that I was just following her lead.

As I sat with my friend at the table with two men we played a getting to know you game. Each of us would take turns giving the name of one of our previous partners. The man on my left was asking me why I looked so concerned and I said, “I can fit all my previous partners on these two hands.” I held up my ten fingers as proof. It seemed like so few, like I was inexperienced and behind the others. I recall someone chuckling and I remember in my mind being reminded of boyfriends in school. I remembered one specifically and thought, “Oh.” That would mean there were more than 10 then.

There are sensations and images during this time of very feminine things. The color pink was prominent as was lace and girly attire. It seemed like my blind date was not suited for me and he and my friend and some others departed. They walked to the bus stop but I forgot my purse and cell phone and went to retrieve it. When I turned they were yelling back that they had missed the bus. I slowed down and picked up my things which included a small backpack. When I turned back around the group was running full speed up the road to the intersection. I heard, “The bus is here!”

Figuring I had missed my chance I lingered still. A man approached who I didn’t know. He was fairly tall, lean and average looking, though he seemed familiar to me. He came up to me and gave me his name. I don’t remember it now but he offered to walk me home. I accepted his invitation and asked him to take my backpack while I got my things. He did this gladly. When I took back my backpack I looked at him and he smiled. I knew him but was not sure how, but he felt like a friend and I trusted him. We walked toward the intersection together.

hands

Kundalini – Meet Me in the Middle

At this point the scene shifted suddenly and I was laying down next to S. We were both facing up. He was on my right. I felt to focus on him. When I looked, all I could see was his heart, as if I was looking into his physical body. What I saw was not an organ, though, but what appeared like a uterus and ovaries within the center of his chest. There was a heart shaped uterus in the center and two “branches” with circular discs on either side. I could hear him invite me inside of him. I can’t recall the words used as it was more of a sense of “come and get me” that was sent to me.

I did not hesitate and imagined both my hands reaching into his heart space. Yet it was not my hands that entered but all of me, as if my entire Being entered his heart. I felt swept up into his energy, swirling and then suddenly he was me and I was him; We were One.

My memory here is dizzying. It was as if I was swirling so fast that I ceased to have any memory of myself as this human in this body. We swirled upward together but I became overwhelmed by the bliss of Us and this new Beingness I was experiencing. So I came out of my reverie again, breathing as if I had just run a race but with more depth. Every breath was bliss so I breathed in so deep, deeper than I have ever breathed.

The energy continued to intensify for a while after this. I continued to get glimpses of the white light. My crown felt to explode almost and I sensed – I still sense – that I am very, very close.

I realized then that I had been asked to meet him in the middle previous to this but had not understood. In fact, earlier in the day I heard a song called, “Meet me in the middle” or at least those were the main words of the chorus.

The message meant that rather than be fully pursued, which was nice and exhilarating to experience, I also needed to pursue him. To meet him with the same intensity that he came to me with. Equal.

It was also understood that I had to seemingly lose the previous connection in order to realize how much I wanted…needed it.

After this very long night and exquisite experience I experienced five days of sleeplessness. The telepathic dialogue has since ceased and along with it the intense Kundalini, though I am still experiencing some heart bliss and waves of energy now and then.

Thoughts

Honestly I am still blown away by this short-lived but super intense encounter (from the 12th of Aug – the 4th of Sept). It has left me puzzled more than anything, with more questions than answers, but then that is the way with these types of connections it seems.

It’s obvious to me that these connections are meant to blow through areas that are stuck, whether they are energetic, mental, physical, emotional or a combination. In the short time that we were communicating I was made aware of a significant blockage in my second chakra, one related to horrible abuses by men in past lives. A decision was made in another life to not trust men, to not let them too close, in order to protect myself. With it are memories of sexuality being brutal and destructive.

Whether this blockage has cleared is unknown, but I suspect if it isn’t then it is well on the way to clearing based upon the dream experiences and energetic phenomena present. I believe much of the blockage is anchored in this present lifetime. As long as I remain married to a man whose actions remind me of those past, traumatic experiences, progress will be limited.

This puts me in a tight spot, one that I have been well aware of and avoiding. I need to ask myself the really difficult questions. I believe we are in the situations we are in by choice, whether conscious or unconscious. That means, at some level, I am choosing to be where I am. So the question is, why? This leads me into a labyrinth where it’s easy to give up on finding my way out.

Back to my Marriage

At first I wasn’t going to tell my husband about this new connection. However, when the connection ended so abruptly I felt I might as well. So I did. He listened and did not explode in anger. In fact, he didn’t say much at all and seemed completely unaffected. I didn’t go into detail, of course, for fear of triggering him.

A few days passed and then he brought it up. He told me he thought it a good idea that we make a rule. The rule being that we ask the other’s permission before we engage in an “affair” energetic or otherwise. He told me outright, “I know you knew it was an overt on me when you decided to go through with it.” It completely caught me off guard and I didn’t get to respond because, as usual, we were interrupted by our children. The last thing he said to me was, “Wait until you are the one being asked permission. We’ll see how you feel then.” I was thinking, “I can’t wait.” lol

We haven’t been able to resume our conversation. At the time I wanted to tell him that I thought it a bad rule because his answer would of course be, “No”.

Since then I have been left with a plethora of feelings related to the topic of “infidelity” and monogamous relationships. The first feeling I have is anger. How dare he keep me from experiencing such a Divine connection, something that is my spiritual birthright and one that has for so long been denied me! Then I am confused, confused by how he cannot see how he limits himself, how he limits me. We are so confined by this belief that we can only belong to one other, that we can only love one at a time, and to love more than one is a sin, something unforgivable that brings with it the name “slut”, “whore”, etc. He made me feel like I had been sharing my body with another, carelessly and without concern for him, like I was out seeking pleasure at his expense – which is completely untrue and then some.

And then I felt deflated and apathetic because I want to sit him down and explain what I see, what I Know, and I know he won’t get it. He never gets it.

Then I just wanted to cry and that was soon followed by requests to be allowed to exit this life. 😦

He doesn’t see me. I am invisible. That is how it feels anyway.

I am acutely aware that I am not who I once was. I no longer feel that monogamy is the way to go, at least not energetically. I can see the physical uses for it – STDs and such, paternity, inbreeding. Energetically, though, these are not a concern. I see a whole world of potential out there, potential for connections with loved ones allowing us to express ourselves as intended. No favorites. No expectation. No attachments.

I am reminded of my time in Spirit and how when I met loved ones, friends, “family, we connected at an energetic level, one after the other, sometimes even in groups. Like a huge energetic reunion. Not an orgy. Nothing sexual. All Divine bliss. Love.

Who is he to say I cannot have that!?

I wish, wish, wish he was the kind of partner who can see that these connections are not a threat to him, to us, to our partnership. These heart connections, these Divine connections, are beautiful expressions of Self, exchanges that help us grow and recognize ourselves and our potential. If he truly loved me he would not deny me that. But then human love is so distorted, so skewed. And that is what his love is, if you can even call it love. 😦

Edit: I just remembered that before the second conversation with my husband I noticed irregularities in my Gmail. All the emails I had saved as “Personal” were gone. Vanished. I finally located them all in the trash. WTF? I had at least 100 messages in there, most from Ray but some from S, too. Could my husband have possibly gotten in there and read them and then trashed them all? I need to ask him I guess.

Seeing Myself

This morning I had a very long dream that resulted from a discussion with a guide who looked a whole lot like S. I can’t say for sure if it was him because there is only a flash of him in my memory. But the discussion was about seeing myself, my True self, not this mask I wear. And I saw her – me. I saw this amazing, energetic person, alive and open to experiences. Excited about life, full of passion and eager to explore all it has to offer. And the Light coming off of her/me was so bright. I nearly cried when I saw her because I know just how hard I have worked to snuff out that Light, to hide it under layers of “protection” so it won’t be discovered.

In the dream that accompanied this vision I made a decision to step into the unknown. I don’t know how this will manifest. I guess I will just have to wait and see what the Universe brings me.

 

 

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