So much has transpired in the last month. It is amazing how much things can change in such a short period of time – how much I’ve changed.
The Kundalini has been quiet for the most part. I have shifted gears once again from focusing on the spiritual and energetic back to focusing on the physical and mundane. For a while the Kundalini was noticeable, stirring and beckoning me to go within almost all the time. When I followed it I would seem to shift into a place of pure bliss which I can only describe as being within myself, though it also seemed come from outside myself. I have yet to figure out how to be in this bliss state while also functional in day-to-day life. I struggle with losing myself to the bliss and as such losing touch with physical reality and all the responsibilities and daily functioning therein. My guidance reassures me that a balance can be achieved so that I can both experience the bliss and maintain a hold on this physical reality. Perhaps that is the ultimate goal, but I don’t know. I prefer to stay in the bliss and just toss physical reality altogether. Maybe that is my lesson?
Communication with S has ceased completely now. I did email him a couple of times and he responded but his energy was walled off compared to before. As usual the wall triggered me, just as it did when Ray did it, but not for the same reasons. With Ray I felt agony because it felt as if his shutting me out kept me from a part of myself. With S it was more that I no longer had his attention and it was his attention and the energy that came with it that I craved, not him or the idea of us.
These connections are to teach us about ourselves and ultimately I was shown once again a part of myself that doesn’t show up very often. She is attention-seeking. She likes to be pursued and wooed regardless of whether she has any interest in the pursuer.
This tendency once manifested in my life when I dated a Scorpio who suddenly decided he no longer wanted to date me. I never had any intention of a long-term relationship with him, not even from the start. I knew he and I were not a good match but I continued to date him and have a sexual relationship with him nonetheless. When he disengaged it triggered me and I began to pursue him but only because I wanted to “play” some more. Ultimately, he told me he was dating someone else and I could tell I would not get him back. I back off then because I did not want to be with someone whose attention was not 100% on me.
With S my focus was on our energetic exchange. When our energies mingled it was like a drug. Nothing compares and I craved it when he was gone but not like an addict would. It was similar to the above experience but his focus on me created an explosion of the Kundalini kind. When he “touched” me, my entire being exploded in ecstasy. There was complete openness between us, something that I had never experienced before. I had 100% trust in him; I was completely vulnerable and exposed without hesitation. And when our energies merged, it was as if we were both physically present despite being hundreds of miles apart.
The experience awakened me to an entire new world of possibility. I was fascinated by it. This man was able to consciously connect and interact with me from a distance. It was purposeful. The crazy part was that I received him completely without interference and, in turn, he received me. Not only could I feel him physically and energetically, but I could also hear his thoughts and talk to him. When I communicated with him via email afterward it was confirmed by him that what I experienced was also his experience. This was mind-blowing in so many ways.
This went on for two weeks. Sometimes in the night, but mostly while I was awake. Then it just stopped. Cold turkey. Anyone would have trouble adjusting to that kind of change.
The thing is, I didn’t miss him. I missed our energy together. I missed his words, too. OMG was he ever good with words. When he wrote to me it was like he was making love to me with his words. I have never been spoken to (well written to) in such a way as to evoke such desire. This man was a true romantic and lover through and through. Very good at love, that is for sure.
The problem is that I was not attracted to him physically. In fact, the entire physical component was missing. When he withdrew his energy and words I was unaffected. There was no obsessing, no thinking of him, no crazy magnetic pull toward him or crazy thoughts of leaving my life behind to be with him. I was completely logical and stable. Yes, I wanted to “play” (all the time) but I was not interested in the same things he was. He wanted a life partner; a wife. I wanted an energetic partner, or to put it better, an energy affair. I wanted to play the energetic field with him. 🙂
Once he fully realized that I was not in it for the same reasons he was, he withdrew. I was honest with him from day one, communicating whenever our energies joined that I was not looking to leave my husband. It took him two weeks to hear it. I know he heard it before but he didn’t want to hear it. He wanted to believe I could be swayed, to be won over.
Ultimately, I did become upset by his withdrawal, it just took a while. In the end, though, I realized that our continuing to connect energetically, while fantastical in so many ways, was not in his best interest. And maybe not in mine, either, though I like to think I could have continued along with the affair without issue. At some point I think I would have pushed for a physical meeting, which may or may not have turned out well. The desire to experience both physical and energetic union would have been too much to resist. In fact, I still hope to one day experience that kind of union – not necessarily with him but I am not completely closed to that idea.
For a few weeks I felt like I did after my first sexual experience. Curious, excited to experience more, looking to play the field. Just in this case, the “energetic field”. I am over that now, though.
But to know that such encounters are not only possible but real, well, that has changed me. I don’t know what, if anything, I will do with this knowledge now. Maybe one day, when I am free to explore, free of my responsibilities and obligations to my children, I will play this new energetic field. Until then I go on living as if it doesn’t exist. I think that is best for my circumstances, anyway.
I learned a lesson about expectations from this experience as well. The conclusion I came to is that human expectations are inevitable. Expectation comes with choice and choice goes hand in hand with survival. At first I was upset with S for having put an expectation on me and on us. His expectation was that we would be life partners. He would have it no other way. And life partner meant monogamous. So he had traditional views regarding our future together as a couple.
I was angry at first that he would fall victim to expectation, but then I realized, I too, had an expectation. I expected him to be happy with just an energetic affair. I expected to “have my cake and eat it, too”, meaning I would stay right where I was, married with children, and meet with him in the in-between to satisfy a desire within to be and have more than my limited life allowed. If you look at the situation, as an observer, you see the typical scenario that plays out time and time again when a married person has an affair with a single person. Just in my/our case, there was no physical interaction whatsoever.
Those kinds of connections don’t last. They just don’t.
I convinced myself that an energy affair was different. I convinced myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I wasn’t “cheating” on my husband because I wasn’t physically having sex with another man.
But ultimately I have to admit that what I did was cheating in every way but the physical. And the physical is a form of energy, just a very dense form. Everything is energy.
So what I realized I need to do is commit to what I want. First, I have to decide what that is. Do I want my life, my marriage and all that it entails? Or do I want to disengage from my marriage and go it alone? To explore the unknown and potential that is out there?
To me, what it comes down to is, do I want to feel ALIVE or do I want to continue to feel semi-alive but mostly dead?
You may think me crazy but I choose option 2. Why? Because I can’t confront the dissolution of my family. I can’t confront separation from my children. I can’t confront the unknown, especially all alone.
S knew all this, too, you know. He recognized how stuck I was. So, just like he was pretending that he could win me over, I was pretending that I didn’t have to change my life to be with him. We were both blind to the obvious.
Another lesson I learned goes along with the belief that when you are intimate with someone – as in share your physical body with another – then you in fact share much more with that person (energetically). Until this encounter, this was not real to me. I have had many sexual “flings” prior to and between marriages and never felt any residual energy from my partners within my own energy field. However, in this case, I can still feel his energy lingering within my own energy field and we never connected physically. I am not sure it will ever go away. Maybe in time, but I don’t know. I’ve never experienced this before. I still feel him as part of me especially in my lower two chakras. When he walled off his energy to me, I began to want his energy out of my energy field. It felt “off” to me. But I can’t just get rid of it. It’s not that easy.
All of this is something to consider with future “energetic affairs”.
My husband and I have continued to talk about my energy affair with S. I have not revealed it all to him but I think he senses enough to know what happened.
He is away for the month so I have time alone to ponder all this while also getting to experience the reality of single parenthood. It is always very humbling when I have to do the parenting all alone. There is so much I rely upon my husband for when it comes to raising our family. So, so much. So his presence is very much missed right now, but just his presence as a father and partner. His presence as my husband is not missed at all. I know that sounds cold, but it is what it is. I like him as a friend, roommate and father, though.
Within a day or two of his leaving (a couple of weeks ago now), we had a phone conversation. He encouraged me to meet up with my “love” interests (Ray and S) despite my telling him that neither of them is in the picture anymore. He said, “If you want to go out and visit them, go ahead. Or if you want them to come visit you, that is fine, too.” There was absolutely nothing in his voice indicating he was against it, either. In fact, the conversation seemed to indicate that he was agreeable to an open marriage.
He made it clear that he believes we are good together, as parents and partners. He has thought long and hard on it, as have I. We both have come to the conclusion that our children are more important than us, even if it means neither of us is truly happy. We are a team and our job is to do right by our children. Nothing else matters in the end. So we are tying to find ways to be happy individually while not upsetting the family dynamics in the process. It is a tightrope walk, that’s for sure, and I don’t know if it will work out in the end.
If I do what he says and go have a brief affair with someone to “get it out of my system” (his words), I don’t know if I will come back. That is my reality and the main reason I don’t run off to meet up with someone. I know I met up with Ray, but it was not to have an affair, just to meet him. But afterwards it nearly killed me when I realized the implications of our meeting and just how badly I wanted to be with him. So I would rather not do that to myself (or anyone else) again. If I go, I can’t come back.
My guidance warned me of an up and coming “opportunity” weeks before I connected with S. I now understand that it was truly an opportunity. An opportunity to leave my husband. An opportunity to have what I have been asking for – physical and energetic union. An opportunity to leap into the unknown. An opportunity to feel ALIVE again. An opportunity to be with someone who really knows me. An opportunity to grow into the person I really am rather than live in an illusion, always wearing a mask.
I let it pass me by. Again.
To S, I am truly sorry things didn’t work out.