It’s been a little longer between posts than usual and even today I am hesitant about writing. When I wait this long there is so much to write that I often become overwhelmed and shut down.
At this point I am feeling a bit down about writing in this blog because I had hoped to update you all with news of progress and forward action. Instead, things have stalled out yet again and I have only myself to blame for that.
For the last few weeks things have been pretty quiet in my marriage with no major upheavals or upsets. This is a normal part of our cycle, though, and as such I anticipate some tension in the near future. It is sad that I can anticipate the up’s and down’s so easily and even sadder that I feel unable to do anything about it.
Journal Entry – October 21, 2018
Not long after writing my last post my husband and I had a blow up. On this day, my husband and I bought a new minivan for the family and stopped by my BIL’s house to show it off. My husband made a comment to his brother as we left insinuating that I was going to give him sex as a reward for him agreeing to buy me a new car. This, of course, was not true and I discretely called him out and hoped he would leave it be. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
Later that night he insisted on giving me a massage. This is what I wrote in my personal blog:
I resisted at first telling him I was not interested in sex, which I knew he was trying to convince me of via the massage. Eventually I just gave in and allowed the massage continuing to tell him I would not have sex with him. He kept pushing like he always does and I decided it would not hurt to give in to him so I conceded but told him I wanted it to be quick and no kissing. He tends to want to make out for a long time and I really do not like kissing him.
He agreed to no kissing and we started having sex but he was struggling. This time he was stopping a lot, just laying on me and not moving. The whole time he was trying to get me to kiss him despite me moving my head away every time. He would kiss my cheek or chin or other parts of me anyway. Ultimately, frustrated because he was hovering around my face and not moving or doing anything I said, “Stop trying to kiss me!” I was a little more forceful than I wanted but I was frustrated. He froze and his body felt rigid. I could tell he was going to storm off, which he did, but then he got really nasty and ended up throwing things at me. Eventually he yelled at the top of his lungs, “We need to just sign the papers and get it done!!” That wasn’t enough, I guess, because he then called me, “WHORE!!” several times.
I left the room. I wasn’t hurt. I was just trying to avoid him.
Later, downstairs as I was on my phone, he came and talked quietly to me about his upset. He used the analogy of playing a game to try to get me to understand how if I just played with him that sex with him could be fun. He said I am like the kid who says, “I don’t wanna play”. I told him if he followed the rules we agreed to then I would play. I used the analogy of children playing tea. I said, “It is like you are begging me to play with you and I say I will but I don’t wanna use a certain plate. You agree in earnest and then in the middle of playing you force the plate under my cup over and over. When I get mad and stop playing because you are not following the rules we agreed on, you throw a fit and pout in the corner after destroying the whole tea set.”
He laughed about that but still concluded that we need to get a divorce. He said, “We can do this!” as if trying to convince himself. The next morning he told me he would not go with me to my mom’s to celebrate her birthday because it’s something he always does to make me happy so that I will reward him with sex. He told me he thinks to himself, “If I do what she wants she will give in.” He then said he wasn’t going to do that anymore (I didn’t believe him).
He does everything with an expectation. It is like a heavy lead weight in our relationship, pulling me down.
What I didn’t write in this blog entry was how throughout the day I kept thinking of how he called me a “whore”. Mostly my reaction was numbness but there was a part of me that saw it as very unfair of him to call me that, especially when it is obvious from our interaction that our marriage is built upon a system of exchange. Neither of us is innocent. The only difference now is that I am reneging on my end of the bargain. Absolutely NO PART of what occurred involved love. Only lust on his part and shame on mine.
Journal Entry – October 31, 2018
I woke up the morning of Halloween hearing someone say a date to me. I repeated the date back to them and it woke me up. The date was July 21, 2026. I wrote in my journal that I worried this was the date when my husband and I would finally separate, whether by divorce or something else. I was reminded of Knowing that he and I would be married 18 years and 2026 is very close to that.
Dream Theme – Female Partners
A dream theme that has been repeating throughout the last month is the theme of female sexual partners. It is very unusual for me to have dreams like this, especially being my female partners tend to be young, like 12 years old!
Here is an example of one of those dreams from November 10th:
As I sat in the cool grass, pushed up against the side of the trailer, a small girl approached me. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She began to talk to me asking me why I was hiding. She was small, maybe 10 years old, and very innocent and curious. She came up and said, “Hi! Why are you over here all alone? Are you teacher? All the teachers are in this section, not in that one.” She pointed to the one I just left. The other section, was reserved for others, I can’t remember what she called them now. Students maybe. I told her I didn’t think I was a teacher.
She asked me, “Will you be my teacher?” I didn’t know quite what she meant and hesitated to answer. The girl snuggled close to me and began to touch me gently, tracing her fingers along the bare skin of my arm. I could feel what she was feeling and she was appreciating me, thinking me beautiful. I also sensed that she felt she was suppose to act a certain way, a very adult way. It made me feel sorry for her. I thought she must have grown up around the sex ring, seeing much more than a child her age should see. I was upset at her father for bringing her to such a place. How could he do that to his daughter?
Then I remember her climbing on top of me and kissing me on the lips. It was a closed mouth kiss and the feeling was that she was playing, practicing what she had seen others do. I played along but was a bit in shock, still feeling sorry for her but not judging her or rejecting her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
After a few more similar kisses she grabbed my hand and put it on her crotch. She asked me to touch her there. When she did this I froze. I was overcome with such sadness realizing she had likely been molested to even know of such things. Yet the girl was still so innocent and trusting of me, she had no shame and I could tell she felt it was the right thing to do. She was literally trying to please me.
At this point she was laying on top of me. I could see her bare back in such detail – the tiny hairs, the tanned skin, the way her back curved up to her shoulders. It reminded me of my own body when I was her age. I think at this point in the dream I identified with this little girl, it felt like she was a part of me.
I slowly pulled my hand away from her genital region, telling her very gently, “No”. I could feel her in detail, as if I had touched her there a million times. Again, she felt like me and the sense of this was strange, as if I stopped time and merged the past and present. I felt only love and compassion. My intention was to nurture, love and protect her.
Then I did something unexpected. I took her hand and put it in my crotch like she had done to me. I said, “Here. Like this.” She seemed to immediately know what I was asking and she inserted her finger into my vagina. When she did this my root chakra began to activate. It felt like a shaft of energy was thrust into me and my lucidity peaked. I didn’t wake up right away, though. Instead, I remember feeling a bit confused as to what I was experiencing but not protesting it or pushing it away, though I wanted to because to be with a child like that is wrong. Yet I sensed whatever was occurring was healing, so I didn’t interfere.
When I woke my root chakra was intensifying, the energy just beginning to move up into my second chakra. I knew that the dream girl was me, maybe my inner child, the innocent version of me who only knew love and wanted to be loved. There were no feelings of shame or guilt, just pure expression and exploration. There was no way I could criticize her but I did feel a sadness for her. I was sad that she knew so much at such a young age. She only wanted to please but had been taught that sex was the primary way to please another.
The other dreams with little girls were very similar. In a dream from November 18th I was partners with a black girl who was approximately 12 years old. This one got very intense. As with the above dream there was root and sacral chakra activation and I woke up a bit confused as to what was going on. My abdomen was sore for quite some time afterward as well. I had memories of a lifetime in which I had been a black girl resurface. My guess was that I was receiving healing relating to the horrific, traumatizing gang-rape experience I had in that lifetime.
When I have asked my guidance about these dreams, particularly why I keep having sexual relations with young girls in dreamtime, I was told, “Less threatening.”
Since November 18th I have not had anymore dreams with young girls. I sense that the blockages in my root and sacral related to past life traumatic experiences as a young girl have been cleared – maybe not completely, but at least partially, which is a good thing!
The morning of November 29th I woke up from a string of sexual dreams with ex-partners that were very boring and dull. There was no Kundalini whatsoever. In fact, the memories of the sex was practically non-existent. On top of that, when I woke I was considering the option of pursuing an energetic, or Kundalini/tantric relationship with a woman. At the time it felt like such a connection was needed but I have since changed my mind, though I would not reject such a connection if it occurred.
Healing Letter to Ray
On November 8th I wrote a long letter to Ray entitled, “Things I Need to Say”. At the time I was re-experiencing feelings related to our connection, having dreams and experiencing more heart sickness. It took me two days to write the email after quite a bit of nudging from my guidance. Mostly, I just told him things I never told him before to include some of my most private thoughts and dreams regarding him/us. The email was very long and detailed. Some of what I wrote was embarrassing to me, but I wrote it anyway because I knew it would help me heal. In fact, the letter was more for me than him, and I told him so.
He responded quite quickly saying he would take some time to consider what I said and then write me back. I knew it was unlikely he would ever respond directly, though, which he did not and still has not. Instead, he wrote me an email about some intense healing and purging that he is going through and how he cannot respond to me while he is going through it. I do not doubt he is struggling, nor do I think his intention is to avoid addressing my email. However, based upon what I know of him and what I sense from him, I doubt that he will have the courage to confront me anytime soon. If he does, it will likely be via telephone.
My letter brought up a memory from my childhood. When I was around 8 years old I had a crush on a boy who lived down the street. I drew pictures for him, mostly of horses and animals, and wrote him a letter telling him I loved him. Then I secretly put it in his mailbox. I remember the walk to his driveway vividly! It was very innocent and sweet, really, but in the end I was completely humiliated because the boy’s mother brought the letter to my mom and showed her. My mom said she was going to keep my letter as a keepsake, that she thought it “sweet” and “cute”. I remember getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach and thinking I would never do something like that again. Haha! The next time I saw the boy things were very uncomfortable as you can imagine and he never played with me again. 😦 He moved away later that year. I don’t even remember his name now.
I found it ironic that more than three decades later I did something similar again, just in a more adult way. Thus, the anxiety over pressing “send”. I think, though, it reveals a lot about the core of who I am and how far I’ve come. I am at least willing to risk humiliation for love again. 🙂
On a positive note, two days after I emailed Ray I felt our connection again. It came quite out of the blue while I was at work. My heart lit up and I got a direct, telepathic message from him. He told me he had been thinking of me, asked if I was okay, that he loved me and missed me. With his message was this overwhelming energy that was swirling with various emotions – love, agony, sadness, fear. Our connection hit my heart first and then my root, then swirled gently back up through my heart and lodged in my throat. It felt like my throat was the size of a basketball. The whole thing lasted maybe 5 minutes and by the end I was overcome with so much joy I began to cry. I could feel how wounded he was, how much he loved me and how torn he has been over our connection. It was so acute that it shook me to the core. I think I physically shook for a good ten minutes after.
November 24th was my 11th wedding anniversary. I suggested to my husband that we take a short vacation together and explore some of the nearby state parks. He agreed and I booked us two nights at a retreat center on a nearby lake. The trip went well but I was left with a feeling of self-betrayal upon our return home. My husband returned feeling quite ecstatic, which he would since I played my wife role to a T (thus the self-betrayal feeling).
On the morning of our anniversary I had a Kundalini dream. Here is what I wrote in my journal:
I was both laying in bed and outside with a tiny monkey. The monkey was trying to get away and I was trying to keep him near me. I saw a playground in the distance and kids on it. The kids wanted to play with the monkey so I let him go. He looked like a spider monkey.
In my bed I felt a man to my left. I assumed it was my husband. I began to feel aroused. It seemed like I was focusing on the energy and trying to build it. I remember turning to my husband and waking him up. He climbed on top of me and sat up. He said, “Happy anniversary”. I could not see his face but I was not concerned because my heart chakra was on fire and a trail of intense energy was shooting down into my root chakra. I grabbed onto his hips and pulled him to me. I could feel his energy enter me as if it were physical. I saw him seem to stand up and touch the ceiling with his hands. He was enormous and towered over me, arms raised to the ceiling. I could see tattoos up and down his arms. They were dark ink and some very colorful. I can’t remember what they were of now, just that they covered the entirety of his arms.
This dream encounter was very unexpected. I do not believe the man in my dream was my physical husband.
The morning of the day we departed I had another dream:
I had a dream that woke me up it upset me so much. In it I had been talking with my husband and the kids and realized he had let them skip school. I got furious and drove them to school. School was already letting out for the day when I got there so the kids stood in line and never actually went to class. When I got back I told my husband I wanted a divorce, that I was done dealing with him. He took us all to a mediator type service to try and work out the issues but they seemed like they wanted to psychoanalyze me and I got even more furious and told him I would not do it. I stormed out with our middle son. As I drove I got lost in a parking lot and ended up trapped by several cars. I told my son to go to his dad before he left and watched as my husband was given advice by the mediators. They told him to do certain things until they worked. I only recall now that the things involved keeping the car and house and shutting me out (disconnecting). When I tried to call my husband I got a message saying, “You are not allowed to use this number without an authentication code.” I woke up in a panic thinking he was taking everything from me.
The morning after our return I had a visit from Ray:
As I woke this morning I sensed Ray and connected with him briefly. I think he may have been dreaming but not sure. I was wide awake and could feel his energy, his concerns, and his blockages. The energy surged up through to my throat and got stuck. I could feel his passion and him wanting me and the conflict that arose within him as a result. It was beautiful in its own way. I did not feel repelled nor did I send anything of that sort his way. I just encouraged him and told him there was nothing wrong with wanting/desiring me or with sex, that it didn’t soil what we had but made it more beautiful. I could feel the power he holds but it was ebbing and flowing like he was uncertain of his ability to wield it. The attraction was intense. It felt very much like energetic foreplay.
This type of connection is positive. I think he is making progress. The song Time After Time was on my mind once the connection was broken. The part of the song that seems to apply is the “go slow” part. I heard Ray say more than once “I need more time”.
He is in agony. Whether it is agony about our separation, or agony over the issues he is struggling to clear – IDK. Maybe it is both? I could feel how intensely he wants to come into Union with me. At the same time there is this fear underneath it all. Fear that he is bad or somehow faulty in some way; not good enough. I could feel his anger and his fear of his own anger. Finally, I could sense how his mind is – erratic and confused, swirling and repetitive. He has not found his center….but he will.
I sent only love and understanding his way. He repeated that he loved me over and over. Sometimes when he said it, it seemed like he was pleading with me; desperate. Like he thinks I don’t believe him. But I do. I know he loves me. All I felt was compassion. All I wanted to do was help him heal. But I know that he has to do that on his own.
Return of S
As if my connection to Ray reemerging isn’t enough, I have been having dream encounters with S again, too! LOL I think the time is ripe for these kinds of reUnions, though. Much healing to be found in them. Besides, I feel like I have made an energetic breakthrough recently which is opening the doors to other opportunities.
November 30th: I was with S. We were at his house/apartment and he was instructing me on how to fit in with his time. It was obvious that I was some 20+ years in the future as so much was different! We talked for a long time about various things, mostly how things were different from my time. He showed me these special contacts that people wore in his time. They allowed people to see things that were not there otherwise. They were like computers that were worn in the eyes. There were five sets and I was focused on the one called “C+” though it looked more like a @ with a C in the middle instead of an A. He told me to buy all five of the different contacts because I would not be able to function in his time without them. I attempted to use my credit card. Though my card showed as valid they wanted me to scan a bar-code that I didn’t have. S told me if I had been of his time I would have a bar-code on my left hand located between the thumb and the pointer finger. The bar-code made it impossible for anyone to steal another person’s identity or information for their use.
He seemed upset by this news and was concerned about how I would live in his time. I would not be able to see what he saw and would not be able to go out and about and do normal things others could do. I said to him, “Why don’t you come live in my time?” When I said this I knew that for him to do so would expose him to a major world war and difficult times he would otherwise not have to endure. It was a lot to ask of him.
He turned to me and asked me,”Why do you stay with me?” I did not hesitate to answer. I immediately hugged him close and said, “I feel good when I’m with you.” There was this lovely feeling that enveloped me when we hugged. My heart exploded in bliss and love. Being with him washed me in this amazing feeling of security but it was intermixed with vulnerability; full-exposure of me – nothing hidden.
I awoke, my heart washed in bliss, feeling an amazing love and connection for S. I wondered why he was in my dream after such a long time. Now fully awake, I sought him out and found him/his energy/HS close by. I saw a visual of him standing naked in front of me but my focus was on his upper body. He placed his hand on my heart and I placed mine on his. I was instantly hit with the bliss and vulnerability. There was also memory, memory of who were are to each other and how deep our connection is.
The more I allowed our connection the more I felt all the different reactions I had to it. There was fear of the vulnerability and exposure evident. There was also a reaction of fear toward the feeling of loss of control. Our connection makes me feel 100% open and exposed and with it I completely surrender. This surrender of self and control of self is what is scary. I want to completely submit to him. This goes against the way I was raised and how I tend to respond to others, especially men. Yet when our energy merges this is what I do. Why? Is that how it is suppose to be?
I spoke to him for some time. I was told that I would soon have an opportunity and that it would be completely on my terms if I wanted. I also can’t help but feel that if I choose to take this option that I will still end up in a similar boat in the future. He sent a vision of placing a ring on my ring finger and it felt like he wanted marriage, but I know that Sacred Union is likely what it represented.
In comparing the connection I have with Ray with the connection I have with S I find them very similar. Yet at the same time they are distinctly different. I am drawn to each of them in different ways. Ray’s energy feels like family to me. It is comforting, warm and familiar. When our energies merge I feel soothed and safe, as if I have been swaddled in love. S’s energy feels powerful and strong. He feels like my protector and there is a fatherly quality about it. When our energies merge I completely surrender. It is like I am blown wide-open, completely exposed and vulnerable in a way that I am not use to. I feel vulnerable with Ray, too, but not in the same way. I tend to hide from him more. I am not sure why.
I love them both, not one more than the other. At first I thought I loved Ray more, but now I know that is not true. There is no “more” or “less”. It just IS. Perhaps that is one of the lessons of this kind of experience?
What to Do?
Back to my marriage, you may wonder why I have not taken any action. To be honest, it feels like I can’t. Right now I cannot see myself outside of my partnership with my husband. I struggle to visualize myself single again, working a job and living on my own and all that. Mostly I struggle with motivation in that direction. All I see is my children and if I leave my husband then they won’t be in my life in the same way. I can’t seem to confront that.
And then there is my husband and his inability to let me go. I sense he is not ready and to push him too far would not be in my children’s best interests. Yes, it means living in a relationship that is “fake”, that is not true to who I am. But my children are my life and right now there are no options that optimize my time with them except this one. So I stay. Perhaps if my husband were to get worse, to shift into the personality that scares me and tends toward abusive, I would be more prone to leave. I can’t say for sure. All I know is that I need to be here now. When I need to go, I will know. I trust that and I wait.