Since my last post I have entered into a kind of void or emptiness that is leaving me feeling quite lost and directionless. This feeling is common for me in this lifetime so I have learned how to cope quite well but I think I am reaching a point where I cannot manage it like I use to. My suspicions now are that I am getting to the point where I can no longer pretend without feeling deeply ill energetically and physically.
My entire life I have pretended. I see that now. I pretend to be what others want me to be. So much so that I do not know who I am underneath it all. The mask is getting heavier as I grow older and learn more about what lies beyond the illusion. I am tired. So tired in fact that I struggle to keep up the pretense. The mask feels to weigh a thousand pounds now.
The other day I had a thought along with a visual of a small child around the age of five or six, wide-eyed and curious. She didn’t know who she was yet. Her formation of self was at the early stages. The world was new and big. A giant classroom there to assist her; to help her decide who she wanted to be. The Knowing was there that I do not know who I am. I am like that small child. It is time to learn who I am and decide what I want to be.
This in itself is terrifying. I have always looked to others to show me who I am, tell me where to go and what to do. Without their input I feel I know nothing about myself. I wonder, “How the hell do I find out who I am?” And the answer is obvious: I do like the child does and explore my environment. I experiment until I find those things that bring me joy. Then I keep doing those things.
I balk at this. I think, “I can’t.” So I don’t.
For the last few days I have been listening to the anxiety and panic that threatens to take over as I drive to and from work. The feeling starts in my body, which I find interesting. My bones and muscles feel odd! Anyway, I look beyond this ache and panic to the source of the feeling. What I always find is immense amounts of grief. The kind of grief that constricts my throat to the point of making it hard to breathe. Every day for the last three days I have cried on my commute. It is only a six mile commute!
I decided to write out how I was feeling by sending myself an email every day. So, that is what I have done and it seems to be helping. Below are the emails I wrote to myself:
I’ve been nudged by my guidance to start paying attention to how I feel and let those feelings tell me what is wrong and where I need healing. This morning on my commute to work, a time I have recently been having panic, I let myself feel what was under the surface. I realized it was grief at the rejection I suffered in 2016 and continue to suffer. It comes with a thought of, “What is wrong with me!?” Wrong here meaning – what is it about me that makes R not want to talk to me? There is a sense that I am somehow lacking, that it must be my fault.
Today I feel hopeless at ever coming back from the grief that stems from R’s rejection of me. I feel regret at not being able to do more, to take more risk and follow my heart when it asked me to jump. I regret my inability to trust myself and the love I felt. I regret my fear of failing. I regret the doubt I had – still have – and how it immobilizes me with “what if’s”. I am reminded that I am experiencing what I am within my relationship because there are lessons that need to be learned. These lessons won’t stop just because I leave my husband. They will continue until learned. I don’t want to take them with me into a new relationship, especially one with R. It seems I love him so much that I will do anything to spare him pain, which means, sadly, that I should stay away because I feel I cause pain and have caused pain to those I have loved.
Today I feel better. I concluded yesterday that I keep getting triggered by R’s lack of communication and distance from me. It keeps causing me to fall into depression and grief over his rejection of me. I need to try and resolve that however I can. My guidance asked me to talk to him in my mind as if we were talking in person to help me communicate what I was feeling. I asked him why he was not communicating with me more and he replied, “I can’t”. I’m not sure why and he didn’t say. I think it might have to do with his blocked throat chakra. I repeated over and over, “You hurt me.” This brought tears to my eyes. The pain just seems to linger. I asked him to come to me in dreamtime to talk. I didn’t get confirmation that he would do this, though. I think even in dreamtime it is difficult for him to communicate. I feel conflict from him, like he wants to be more in touch but can’t for one reason or the other. I think mostly he is afraid of being hurt.
This morning I was in a very sour mood upon waking. I had a song in my head upon waking – It Must Have Been Love. The part that stuck was, “It’s where the water flows. It’s where the wind blows.” I find that interesting because astrologically, R is water and air.
Yesterday I cried quite a bit while driving again. Rather than let the anxiety take over, and it tried, I listen to it. My thoughts were first with the amazing bliss and connection that I experienced with S. I’ve never experienced anything that comes close and I continue to wonder about it. What is crazy is that I can recreate it if I think about it, though at a much lesser level. It is weird! So, as I was thinking of it, it came back in waves as I drove and I thought, “This is what I want.” But I couldn’t conceive of such a thing as an every day part of my life. Would I even be able to function? Ultimately, I asked myself if I would ever experience physical Union in this lifetime. I go a “No” right away. This, of course, upset me and I went directly into depression over the thought of never connecting with someone like that or having a relationship where the physical and spiritual merge (this is what S called it anyway).
As the day wore on I had some more crying instance, this time over R. I saw how I had both extremes when it comes to the connection – one with R who seems unable or unwilling to go there with me, and the other with S who seems almost too much, too eager, to the point of overload. Of course, I feel amazing love and attraction for R who can offer me nothing, and then I do not feel those things for S who can offer me everything. On top of this there is the feeling that if I chose to go with either of them that it would fizzle quickly and my life would continue to feel bleak and doomed even more than now because I would have lost the one good thing I have – my family. The conundrum my guides like to bring up continues I guess.
I had the thought yesterday, likely a nudge by my guidance, that if I want something I have to go after it. If I wait around for life to happen to me, for things to come to me, then I will be waiting a very long time, perhaps indefinitely. The message was, “If you want it, go and get it!” But I get immediately depressed over the thought of it. The risk is just too great. Losing my family, “abandoning” my children, losing the stability and life I have built, is not worth the not knowing the outcome of choosing to go after what I want. The odds feel to be against me. There is no guarantee R will respond positively. There is no guarantee I will find what I am looking for. As I write this I hear, “It IS guaranteed you won’t find it if you do nothing.”
Then there is the complete lack of internal drive and purpose I feel. It would be much easier (or so it seems) if I had something that inspired me forward like a career that I loved. Currently, if I were to seek out what I want and take actions toward that end then I would feel like a feather in the wind with no specific direction except where fate took me. I would not want to leave the area where my kids are or my job which allows for my independence and survival. So each time I think I need to make a move I retreat because it does not seem to end well for me, or my children.
I realize fear drives my life choices. I do. Yet I cannot seem to get out from underneath it. I want to feel secure and I have that now. There is a voice that says “security is an illusion, it all is”, and I know that but I cannot seem to shift out of this pattern.
At this point, I am extremely bored with my life. I liken myself to a zombie.
I can’t help but wonder, what comes next? It seems I am entering into another dead time in my life, like back in 2007 when I focused on my family and all spiritual activity seemed to come to a slow crawl. I hope that isn’t the case because I don’t think I will survive that kind of waking death (like I said – zombie).
I realize the lack of spiritual activity is due in part to me retreating from the Kundalini. That last dream with the young kid really disturbed me. My dreams indicate a withdrawal from interactions with others that might bring about the bliss. I have had two just this week where I avoided individuals in dreamtime for just this reason. In dreamtime I am acutely aware of the connections I have with others and just how easily spiritual union can occur. I feel the connection even at a distance and so I stay away despite an inner urge to come into union with pretty much everyone I encounter (lol). Upon inspection this resistance is counterproductive. To deny myself the connection is not helpful to me or others. I am effectively stalling myself out.
My best guess about the near future is that I will continue on as I have been and not much will change. I see myself eventually dying and not having done much with my life or progressing past this point spiritually. Currently, I am in a very depressed and hopeless state in general and I don’t see myself coming out of it anytime soon. If I do, it will be short-lived as that is the cycle I have observed in this lifetime. I have been praying, begging even, that this life be over soon. I use to do this daily at different times in my life – as a young child, in my teens, mid-twenties, on and off again in my thirties, and ever since the end of 2016. Ha! That is practically my entire life. Sad. Really sad.
I wonder, though, if we really do manifest how this life plays out with our thoughts, why the hell haven’t I died yet? I’ve had more than enough “death” thoughts, more than enough prayers to go Home, more than enough begging and pleading to end my time here. I would say those thoughts and intentions way outweigh the positive ones. So, WTF? Bullshit.