Lots of activity in the last month.
Anxiety
The anxiety and panic attacks have stopped. It was gradual at first, so I was uncertain if they had actually gone or if they were taking a sabbatical and would return without notice. Over a week ago my husband left on business again (he is still gone) and so I got to see firsthand whether or not the anxiety was really gone. I’ve successfully driven to and from work all week without incident! I even had a day of driving where I was the opposite of anxious – super relaxed and in a kind of happy blissed-out state.
Marriage
Not much to report here. My husband is still in avoidance mode. Since he is out of town it makes it even harder to communicate with him. The last conversation I had with him about our marriage was initiated by him. He once again is asking for us to stick together as a “team” because we have a wonderful family and should continue to build on that. When I brought up our issues he interrupted me and asked me if I agreed with him that our family and team was wonderful. I agreed but asked him about our issues, specifically with intimacy. Was he really willing to accept the lack of intimacy for another decade or more? He said he was, insisting that surely at some point I would agree to be intimate with him and that even if it was only once a year he could have that. I disagreed and said, “I’m not so sure that’s true.” The conversation quickly fizzled after that.
When my husband is gone family life is so much easier and I am much more content and relaxed. It is easy to forget what it is like when he is here – the arguments, dissonance, grumpy kids, schedule conflicts, etc.
On another note, my husband received news that the transfer of ownership of the company we work at was scheduled for July 1st of this year. It is partial at first – 20% ownership each to my husband and his brother along with a sizable monetary “gift”. Then my husband and his brother will slowly pay for the remainder of the company over about five years time. When my husband gave me the news I told him that I did not see it really making much of an impact on our family because 1. when we get more money, he spends it all (and more) and 2. he owes his boss a considerable amount of money so that monetary “gift” he is suppose to receive will likely be exchanged to pay off that debt. Thus, we will be exactly where we are now. The only difference is that he will end up part owner, meaning our taxes will change and be more of a PITA for me because I am the one who handles finances. Yay – not. lol
He countered my “negativity” with saying he will get to set his own salary. I thought about this and suggested we buy back our old house. Suggesting that I move there with the kids and he visit us on the weekends while living in our current house during the week. He went silent on me and hung up. Ha!
BTW, our old house was partially destroyed by fire on March 31st. The husband of the couple who bought it from us in 2014 set himself on fire in the master bedroom. We went to his funeral a week later on April 7th. His wife rented a place nearby and is rebuilding. I suspect she will put the house and land on the market when it is finished. She will offer it to us to buy first, though, since she did that before when they had been planning on divorcing and selling the house. If my husband makes more money I have no doubt we could afford to buy it back.
To return to my family land in the country seems fitting and I am actually very keen on the idea. The house and 5 acres is adjacent to my mom’s, uncle’s and cousin’s properties. It is wide-open, Texas Hill Country and I miss it. I think it would be a good solution to my marriage situation that would keep me and the children close but far enough away to gradually lend toward creating the distance needed to reach resolution. My mom and step-father are next door, so not only would the children receive their support, but so would I. Plus, my mom and step-father have created a spiritual sanctuary behind and adjacent to both properties which could potentially be used for gatherings if ever I should choose to go that direction. It is not yet complete, but when it is, there will be a pond, RV hookups, a pavilion and running water with working bathrooms.
Spiritual Happenings
Before I begin, I will say that S has come back into my life. The below dream happened three days before the fire in my old house. A week after the fire, and nine days after the dream, S emailed me. It had been almost 7 months since our last email.
3/28/19 – Kundalini Dream: Zero Hour
In this dream I was in a classroom with a teacher and students. I was monitoring the students doing work and saw a girl motion to the corner. I turned and saw a boy sitting there responding and knew they were cheating. I went over to the boy and asked him if he needed help. The corner he was in was very dark because the lights in the room were off. I noticed he was stuck on #4 and showed him he already answered it. Then asked if he needed light and he said yes. I asked the teacher, a brunette, to turn on the lights. She said she didn’t want to, that the light changed when the sun came out from behind the clouds. I saw this happen but still turned on the lights.
The students finished their work and then the teacher asked them to clean up. I felt I needed to assist and asked if I could clean up the Legos. She said I could but when I went to clean up the pile I had seen the room was spotless.
Then the teacher said to the class, “It’s zero hour. You can leave.” The bell had not rung yet and I was surprised she let them leave.
When the room was empty I lingered by a fireplace that suddenly appeared. I recall smoking a cigarette. The teacher had given me a box of tea (spiritual enlightenment) to examine. She had shifted to a he and I felt a strange feeling, like I was very subservient or revered him. He asked me if I would like to try the tea. I took my cigarette and put it out on the edge of the fireplace. The outer rolls fell off when I did this. The tea box suggested the tea be taken with applesauce (growth, abundance) in it. I told him, “I don’t think I want applesauce in my tea.” He agreed it was not palpable, saying, “That is okay”.
I then approached the teacher’s desk. He was hunched over paperwork he was grading, tests the kids had just taken. I kept my distance as I handed him the tea box. He looked at me and I saw he resembled S only his nose was different. There was an intoxicating energy coming off him that made my chakras all light up in a blissful way.
He said to me, “Have you found a boyfriend/partner yet?” I said, “No. I haven’t.” He nodded and said, “Good.” It felt like he wanted me to want to be with him and no one else. He then referred to my Light saying it was very obvious to those who could perceive it. I could feel my own energy/Light as he said this. It was like a fire, ebbing and flowing, getting higher and then subsiding as if I was reeling it in. At the same time I felt near my limit, as if I had been turned on but held back by a lover who was saying, “Not yet.” It was an impossible feeling. The teacher said to me with a smile, “You feel it, don’t you?” He said multiple times, “You are ready.” Yet at the same time I felt there was timing involved that was very important.
The entire time it was very difficult to be in his presence. I felt humbled and revered him. His power was potent and attractive, so much so that I felt unable to control my attraction and was sure it would be the end of me if he were to let me in. He felt like my King and I felt very obviously to be his Queen. I have never felt so drawn to anyone like I did to him.
As the energy enveloped me I woke up and felt it continue to rise. A wall of anxiety formed between my solar plexus and heart. It stuck there for a while and as I noticed it and allowed it, it broke through in a sudden rush and I went immediately into a trance state and full-on hypnagogia and vibrations. The surprise of it shot me into full awareness, though.
I stayed in the in-between with this teacher for a while. He no longer resembled S but began to look more like a Tibetan monk except he wore regular clothing. His nose was very wide and sometimes he wore a headdress that reminded me of a God. I asked him if he was S and he said, “I am many.” I recognized he meant he was all of the masculine energy in one, so yes he was S but also Ray and all other men.
He asked me if I was “ready to work” and I said I was. He told me many things but now all I have in my memory is a summary. He mentioned December and then May 20th. There is also memory of a visual of my future where I would leave my body and then return “changed”. I saw my body as separate and like clothing to be worn. I remember asking how to handle such a change, that people would see my body and expect what they have always gotten but that would not be possible anymore.
There was also much discussion about letting the K teach me. He said that the discomfort and longing was how it communicated to me where change was needed. It was aligning me, correcting imbalance.
Since this experience I have had a strange, nervous anticipation that is slowly fading as the day continues. Early on in the morning after just arriving at work I felt the same energy calling to me and it would envelope me while I sat at my desk causing me to want to cry. It is so beautiful yet I have begun to get scared for the changes that come from these kinds of visits. I know my life is not in balance and I don’t like change, so the nervousness is typical.
Since the above dream came before S contacted me, it took a while for me to make the connection. Then there was the fire at our old house and the man who set himself on fire and died as a result. I couldn’t help but think it was a sign of some sort. I was reminded of a dream I had last August (2 weeks before S first connected with me) where I dreamed of my mom’s house burning to the ground. When I woke I heard, “Fire. Two weeks.” Then two weeks later S and I had our “fiery” exchange. This time around there was an actual fire and a man died as a result. Could it somehow be related to my reconnecting with S? Will the “fire” of the Kundalini somehow lead to a kind of spiritual death and rebirth? Or create some other kind of death/ending?
This time around, the connection with S is much more muted and calm overall. I have yet to have an experience with him like I did last August. I’m not sure if it because he is holding back, he has changed or I have changed. It could be all of the above I guess.
Here are some excerpts from my personal journal describing my reaction to this new situation:
4/7/19
S emailed me asking permission to access my energy field. It took me two days to respond because I didn’t know what he meant by it and I got a really weird panic feeling from the email initially. Eventually I allowed him to and he did so without me even knowing, which was a bit disappointing because I had hoped to experience some of our connection again.
He told me he perceived a past life where I had been in a harem. A man attempted sex, I resisted and he slit my throat. The man was not suppose to have access to me. I was owned by someone else. The karma in it is that my husband was the man who killed me and so I have to work through that and all it entails. I would have issues with my throat chakra – inability to breathe has come up for sure. I would also have issues with security. Harem women were given all they needed, provided for with luxury. S picked up that I might struggled with this in that I gave up my dignity for security and will now face that in this life as well.
S apologized for dropping me cold turkey like he did. He said he believed it was not good to pull me into his life being how old he is, how free, and how far away (among other obstacles). I left the door open for future connection but agreed we both have lots to work on still.
Today I feel pretty calm and balanced. When I woke this morning I meditated, focusing on my second and third chakras. S suggested I imagine a lotus, follow it to its roots, and untangle the roots from my system so they are individual roots instead of mixed in with so many other ones. So this morning I did this and saw a mangled bunch of roots that seemed bound to a solid object. As I began to follow the roots my heart chakra activated.
4/10/19
S and I have been emailing back and forth all week. He confessed that he has tuned into my energy and felt what I described in a past dream encounter. He also confessed that he has difficulty resisting the pull of my energy and that three times since we started emailing he has been pulled in by it. He says that it pulls his energy into his crown, which is a first for him and something he can’t seem to do on his own. This surprised me.
What I was thinking this morning is that I should be careful with this connection. I am able – still – to detach from him and our combined energy regardless of how intense and magnetic. While I experience it I feel very drawn to him and different, but as soon as it stops I feel back to “normal”.
From his first email to me, I have felt a need to meet him in person. It may be a bad idea, though, and my past experiences with Ray cause me to withdraw from the idea. There are many physical world differences that may be too much to ignore like I have three children who still live at home and a husband who I like as a friend and partner but not as a lover. It feels like a conversation is on-going with my guidance about making the right decision. Ultimately, I feel I must continue to follow my heart and put aside my physical world considerations. There is something there…hard to describe but powerful with potential.
I have been receiving the message “Slow down” both from my guides and the Universe. I was also warned, “Passion is a double-edged sword” along with a visual of a tightrope and a message, “Don’t fall off the edge.” Overall it seems I am being advised that the spiritual often has to wait for the physical to play “catch up”. Thus we have to be patient and wise as we wait for the two to come into balance. Regarding S this seems to be the “game plan”.
Kundalini
The Kundalini experiences I’ve been having recently seem to be of the healing kind more than anything. I often wake feeling intense energy in my lower chakras and sometimes my heart and crown as well. The energy is so intense that it feels to go all the way through my body creating a kind of tunnel of energy right through my core.
I did have a Kundalini experience that was different sensation-wise. It began in my root and climbed upward toward my heart very slowly. The energy felt very tight as if encountering resistance but it did move upward and with some slight discomfort. It then seemed to stick below my heart, right below my breasts. The energy was cold as if someone had placed an ice pack there. This sensation remained for a very long time. Sometimes the energy would return to my root and make its way back to my heart, but it was cold, traveling along the left of my spine and seeming to sweep in and out on its way up. A few times I felt some energy break through to my head but it was just a trickle and no longer cold.
I did come down with a mild cold last weekend that is almost gone now, so the cold energy could have been of the healing kind. I have read conflicting articles about the cool/cold K energy. Some say it is the Yin, others the Yang. Since the energy was coming up from the root along the left side of my body, my best guess is that it was Feminine.
Shifting Through Love 